“The Soloist”
by Mike Jackson
The Date
“What’s this trophy for?”
“Oh that, it’s my AVN award.”
“AVN?”
“Adult Video News award.”
“You’re a porn star?”
“Yes.”
“Um, maybe I better head home. It’s getting pretty late.”
“It’s not what you think. I only do solo porn. No partners ever, so I’m, well, clean if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Uh, yeah, among other things.”
“Well, it’s a long story. So I was masturbating one night, watching Red Tube videos and apparently my curtains are see through. Well I didn’t know and next thing I know somebody’s pounding on the door. The cops actually. Anyway, the neighbors called me in and it was a whole big thing and after some rather embarrassing discussion everybody calmed down and realized I wasn’t some perv or something, just didn’t realize anyone could see through my curtains. Well, turns out the neighbors had videoed it with their phone to show the police and while I was watching the playback before we erased it, it occurred to me I had something of a talent. So, I submitted some video of my own to Vivid, after I changed the curtains of course, and they decided to buy it. It’s actually good money and I’m not really doing anything I wouldn’t be doing otherwise. And for the record, I think the neighbors are pervs and had to have been spying pretty close to get phone footage of me through those curtains, no matter what they say.”
“So let me get this straight Larry, you masturbate on film, for money?”
“Right, and the award was for one of my films. Sounds crazy I know, but it was my best work. I called it A Cockwork Orange.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No, not all. See, there’s an old joke, I’m sure you’ve heard it; a guy calls his buddy and asks what he’s doing and he replies, nothing, just sitting in my beanbag chair, watching porn and eating Cheetos. So I turned it into a film and called it A Cockwork Orange. And that’s the story of the AVN award.”
“Yeah, I gotta get going I think.”
“Okay, well I had a nice time at dinner tonight Sandy. Maybe we can do this again sometime?”
“I’ll call you.”
The Bar
“Larry man, how’d the date go?”
“Well it was fine until she saw the AVN award and got a little concerned. I don’t understand, I explained the whole thing to her but she left right after that, said it was late.”
“I’m telling you man, you have got to keep that shit secret.”
“Thanks Dave, but you know, it’s a living, they’re gonna find out sooner or later if they stick around. I mean, it gets noticeable I don’t ever leave for work. Plus the video cameras and lube and stuff. The costumes, you know, they’re just kind of hanging there in the closets. No point in keeping these things a secret.”
“Dude, you’ve got one fucked up job. Tell the bartender about it, let’s see what he thinks. Barkeep, listen to my buddy’s job, tell us if you think it’s crazy.”
“Sure guys, what you got?”
“Well my buddy Larry here, is a masturbator.”
“Join the fucking club, man.”
“No, no, for a living. Films himself knocking one off and then sells the videos online. My boy here even won an AVN award.”
“What the fuck do I want to know this for? Jesus.”
“Well give us your advice. Every time he brings a woman home, he shows her the award, claims it gets the secrets out of the way fast and they always leave in a hurry.”
“That’s fucked, man.”
“Yeah it is. Larry, tell him what you do if you accidentally cut yourself making dinner or
something and have a film due.”
“I just do horror film things. Like Wes Craven Some Cock or Texas Sandpaper Massacre. Once I wore white gloves and dressed up like a butler and ‘served’ myself.”
“You two got problems. And quit showing women your award. Jesus I need a better job.”
“Told you, Larry. Everybody thinks you’re messed up man.”
“Whatever, Dave. I know there’s a woman out there for me.”
Speed-Dating
“Hi, I’m Sharon. I’m a Physical Therapist”
“Hi Sharon, I’m Larry. I’m a solo porn star.”
“Next!”
“Hey everybody, this guy’s a porn star!”
“Get him out of here!”
“We don’t want your kind!”
“Creep!”
“Ladies relax, all I do is masturbate.”
“Out!”
The Walk Home
Come on Larry, you can do this. She’s out there. You’re a good man. You don’t smoke, drink much, do any drugs, you don’t sleep around. You just masturbate for a living. There’s a woman out there for you, you just have to keep believing. Your award means something; it shows you can be good at whatever you try. You make a nice living and can provide a nice home. She’s out there Larry, just stay strong and stay honest.
Therapy
“What’s on your mind today, Larry?”
“The usual, Dr. Loney. I had another date that was going really well until we got to my apartment and she freaked out when she saw the AVN award.”
“Did you explain the whole story to her?”
“Of course, I explained about the perverted neighbors and the cops and the whole thing, but she still left right away. I don’t get it. I always thought women wanted a good, honest man. What’s more honest than explaining what I do for a living? I’m not keeping secrets, it’s not like they find out under weird circumstances or anything. And I tried speed-dating, but they threw me out and asked me never to come back. I’m going to die alone Doc. I keep trying the pep talks and everything else, but maybe my friends are right, maybe I should just stop telling women about what I do.”
“Is that what you want, Larry?”
“No, of course not. I masturbate for a living and I’m damn good at it; I deserve a good life.”
“What about a dog?”
“In my movies? I’m telling you Doc, I’m not a perv.”
“Not in your movies, Larry, to keep you company.”
“Oh, sorry, I’m just used to being on the defensive.”
“So what’s next?”
“Well, I’ve got another movie I need to shoot. It’s a sports movie called The Catcher and I’ve got a catcher’s mitt set up against…”
“Time’s up, Larry.”
“Oh, that was quick.”
Dr. Loney’s Classroom
“Good evening class. Tonight’s case study is about a porn star. He believes what he is doing is completely normal. Specifically, he makes masturbation videos and thinks because he isn’t with others on camera that it’s okay for him to tell people, dates, etc., what he does for a living. He has trouble understanding why society doesn’t accept him. Thoughts?”
“Well, Dr. Loney, I would say he suffers from a severe case of masturbation addiction and is in denial about his problem. I would recommend weekly therapy, possible group therapy, and encourage him to seek out social situations where he can feel a sense of belonging without being sexually aroused. It sounds to me like the case study was lonely and fell into a career without thoughts to the consequences.”
“Yes, you in the back, Sarah.”
“Are you talking about Larry ThunderNuts? Because if you are, I’ve seen A Cockwork Orange and it was fantastic. I’d say the case study should stick to what he does best.”
Therapy
“Excuse me, are you Larry?”
“Yes, are you Dr. Loney’s new receptionist?”
“Hi, I’m Sarah. There’s no good way for me to say this, but I’m in Dr. Loney’s Psych course at the University and I think she used you as a case study last week.”
“Oh shit. I’ve got to go. Sorry.”
“Wait. I wanted to meet you. We went over your whole story and I agree with you. I don’t think you’re a perv or anything at all. In fact I’ve seen one of your movies. I thought maybe we could get a cup of coffee or something. If you want?”
“Uh, sure.”
Coffee
“You’re the first girl I’ve met that was okay with what I do for a living.”
“Well, is the case study all true? You don’t sleep around or do drugs or anything like that? Just these videos?”
“All true.”
“Then I don’t care at all. I do something a little different for a living to pay tuition and rent and I have a hard time meeting men all the time when they find out what I do.”
“Which is?”
“I’m a model for a sex toy company.”
“Oh my god! You’re Veronica Canyon?”
“The one and only.”
“Holy shit, every man in the country knows who you are. Forgive me, I didn’t recognize you right away.”
“Never looked at my face much did you?”
“I’m embarrassed to say no. Wow, this is just incredible. So what’s your story?”
“Same as yours, drink socially, but nothing else, just the toy modeling, but guys always freak out when I tell them. I guess they think they can’t satisfy me or something and get scared off. But it’s just modeling you know? I don’t sleep around or anything either. The job pays really well and the hours are super flexible, like me, and I’m studying psychology, so if anything strange starts to happen I hope to have good insight into the situation. I’m just thrilled I met you. I think we could be really good for each other.”
“Think if we have kids. Imagine the pre-school interviews when we tell people what we do for a living.”
“Ha! Wait until I tell my Mother about you, Larry. God, she hates me already. This is really going to blow her top.”
“Same with mine, although I think my Father may be a little more encouraging.”
“Oh Larry, this is going to be an interesting ride.”
“That it will be Sarah, that it will be.”
interesting and absorbing premise.