We tell you what’s worth celebrating in the week ahead- hobo-style.
MONDAY, JANUARY 3
OMG YOU GUYS IT’S THE PERIHELION!!!!!!! WTF is the Perihelion, you wonder? Apparently, it is the point in the year when the Earth is closest to the sun. Some nerds probably spent a lot of time figuring that shit out. Stupid astronomers, with their telescopes and their “math”. Celebrate by getting really close to a large sphere of life-giving flame, and making fun of astronomers!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 4
On this day in 1865, the New York Stock Exchange opened its first permanent headquarters near Wall Street. Wall Street, eh? Those guys are douches. Punch a banker in the face!
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5
Commemorate the birth of former CIA Director George Tenet by outing a secret agent of your very own! Forget about national security — that Plame bitch deserved it. If that’s not snazzy enough for you, how about this zinger: on this date in 1675, the French Army beat “Brandenburg.” I don’t know who or what Brandenburg is, but hot damn, they got beaten by the French. Eat a croissant and feel smug, you beret-loving pussy!
THURSDAY, JANUARY 6
Waaaay back in 1929, Mother Teresa rolled into Calcutta on this date to start working with India’s poor and sick. Do something charitable with your useless self. Or just make fun of nuns. You’re probably going to hell already anyway.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 7
So, in 1973, some nutjob at a HoJo’s in New Orleans went batshit and shot a bunch of people. Some of them died. This is sad. Maybe we can all make it right by staying in a shitty motel and not killing anybody! No jacking off without cleaning it up, either.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 8
Celebrate the 1817 birth of South African statesman Theophilus Shepstone by wearing a monocle and giving everything within your purview a laughably ridiculous British name. Or you could celebrate David Bowie’s birthday by dressing yourself in drag and giving everything within your purview a laughably ridiculous space-age name! It’s your day, Ziggy Stardust, so grab it by the androgynous, indeterminate genitalia.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 9
On this date in 1768, some hustler named Philip Astley staged the first “modern circus” in London. Stage a modern circus of your own! Elephants, clown cars, lions jumping through flaming hoops — who can’t pull that shit off? Alternately, you can just spend the entire day referring to your own life as a “modern circus,” because chances are it probably is.
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