“Ripping the Headlines”
by Paul Lander
Time reading is time wasted, Hobo Pancake Nation. You think you can work on upping that Halo score AND stay informed? Hell, no! Well, me neither. That’s why I like to treat the news like I treat people. Make a snap judgment and move the hell on. So, here are some headlines and my first thoughts:
Hemp seed-eating village in China holds oldest, healthiest people in the world
The place is known as ShangVeryHai.
Pope Francis: ‘Migrant children must be welcomed and protected’
Wow, someone asked, “What would Jesus do?” And, answered it correctly.
75 scientists may have been exposed to Anthrax in U.S. labs
Hey, it’s not as cruel as exposing them to Techno Pop.
Surgeons remove 232 teeth from Indian teenager
Apparently, the teen originally had the teeth put in by a dentist at Costco.
Rove: Democrats use deception to try to save Senate
No word whether or not that was a compliment.
Honda recalls broken air bags
Now, if only we could recall all the Washington windbags.
Marco Rubio claims there’s ‘no responsible way to recreationally use marijuana’
Or, as he calls it, ‘The Big Bong Theory’
KKK wins discrimination case against bakery
Proving you can have your cake and burn it on someone’s lawn, too.
Study finds most FOX News’ climate segments inaccurate
Well, at least they’re consistent.
Washington actually has announced an airbag recall. Apparently, there are just too many hot airbags on the hill. There will also be a windbag recall. Old windbags are prone to lull users into complacency, while hot airbags are constantly setting off false alarms. The good news is that the old units will be recycled into fresh douchebags for tomorrow’s voters.
The Big Bong Theory is also a pet theory of quantum physicists who believe the universe originated in a massive cloud.