Salute Our Shorts: The News In Brief

“Toys For Tots” Goes Bust!

A newspaper typo turned a local toy drive into a major traffic jam.  What was supposed to be a run of the mill “Toys for Tots” event became anything but, when its full page ad declared “Toys For Tits.”  Word of the “event” spread quickly, causing two local strip joints to close completely.  Said Honey Suckle (we assume not her real name), “do you know how many hours I have to dance to get enough one dollar bills to buy my kids Christmas presents?”  Lifting her shirt, Ms. Suckle added, “I figure these babies gotta be good for a Sony Playstation 4!”  The local fire department quickly arrived on the scene. When asked if there was a fire, the Chief shrugged and said, “There might be!”  Later in the day, the newspaper’s editor offered this apology: “we fired the boob, uh, idiot.” In a related story, area toy stores reported their highest one day sales totals with most of the purchases to grown men in a rush to what they believed was the “Toys for Tits” event.

Paul Lander is TV Writer/Producer and Co-founder/Prez of iJoke.com.

“Biden’s Stand-Up Career Improving”

by Omar Azam

After months closely observing New York City’s finest underground stand-

up comedians at venues such as The Lip Room and Buckwheat Lounge, Joe

Biden got the nerve to try his material at an open mic at Sullivan’s Snap

Room in late July. The Veep had a lot of time to write material with

Obama in the White House, his fists full of reelection dollars. Barack

had discussed the possibility of Joe leaving Washington for a while after

a series of gaffes and insults had landed the Veep at the top of tabloids

and news magazines. The President’s chief strategist suggested a

Midsummer Fortnight’s Mediterranean cruise, but Biden, upset at being

forced off the continent, took early leave of Congress’s summer session.

He indulged in what friends have called a case-a-week binge of Irish

whiskeys across the whiskey-, gin-, and Karaoke-joints of Metropolitan

Boston.

Joe’s childhood drinking buddy Shoes Jackson suggested a 5 borough tour

of the Big Apple, and Biden was hooked on the burgeoning open mic and

Karaoke scene. Known to be a boozing baritone, Biden got turned on to

Live Karaoke at the Undertown Wonder Bar in Brooklyn in early July. He

was reported to have memorized the first side of U2’s “Pop” album and was

able to sing it without benefit of the karaoke monitor. After falling in

with the Williamsburg musician and artist crowd, Biden got turned on to

hash and by September was a staple at any number of Manhattan cabarets,

building a reputation for glad-handing piano singers out of their benches

for a 30 minute coke-fueled stream of consciousness variation on “Ice,

Ice Baby.”

After Joe Rogan spotted him at Harry’s Bag of Tricks on Bleecker, the two

worked furiously on the Veep’s shtick, which can best be described as

angry septuagenarian-politician-who-has-been-trying-to-make-a-damn-bit-

of-difference,-but-no-one’s-listening-because-they-are-too-infatuated-

with-the-goddamn-President-to-listen-to-what-I-have-to-say. Apparently,

the first few open mic spots featuring Biden have been moderately

successful. Never one to shy away from revealing clothing or spitting

into the audience, some have described the Veep as having found his true

calling – yelling at young people and mixing in vaudeville satirical song

numbers in order to deliver a social message. Since the New Year, Biden

has been “listening, writing, and smoking a lot of Maine homegrown” in

order to tap his roots for a stab at a larger venue like the Apollo or

Standup at Lincoln Center. So far, coverage from the mainstream press has

been all but muted. Apparently the story, if broken, could lead to

scandal, a backlash or worse, a confrontation with Obama about “Joe’s

lost weekend.”