To the editor:
After a scrupulous look at last issue’s “No Comment” by Kelly Anneken, a compelling example of what somebody on Adderall is capable of writing: I decided to try it out. I asked my son for one. He’s 14. He has a prescription, so we keep him fueled up at all times. I popped it, slugged it down with Red Bull, and then sometime around 10 AM, I began writing. It is now 12:42 AM. My attention to detail has definitely improved, but my focus is still off track, on the wrong things. I’ve smoked a pack and a half of cigarettes. I’ve bitten down and ruined the nails on both of my pinkies. I’ve done a bunch of pushups and I’m pretty sure I found the Loch Ness Monster on Google Earth. Goodbye.
Sincerely,
007
Dear 007:
Our managing editor couldn’t be more thrilled that you’ve followed her example! Before you know it, you’ll be off on a Thelma & Louise-esque adventure with Elizabeth Wurtzel, Andy Dick and Tweak from South Park!
You shouldn’t get discouraged simply because you feel like you aren’t focusing on the “right” things. That’s the beauty of stimulants! No matter what you do while you’re on them, it’s bound to come in handy later.
Cigarette smoking is essential to being a writer. We really can’t stress this enough. How else are your readers, editors and other patrons of your internet cafe supposed to know how deep, edgy, and tortured run the neurological pathways of your unique and brilliant mind? Plus, cigarettes remind these same people that your time is extremely valuable because in twenty years, you’ll be dead from lung cancer.
Don’t worry about your pinkies. They are truly the least important fingers, pinky swears notwithstanding. Much like the baby toe, the pinkie finger is slowly evolving away. As you gnaw your pinkies down into gangrenous stumps, take pride in the fact that you’re ahead of the evolutionary curve. Later in life, you can say, “I lost my pinkies before Mother Nature deemed it a biological imperative!”
Finally, you can never have enough upper body strength, especially as a writer. Writers get in fistfights constantly. If you’re not, well, you’re not really much of a writer, are you?
Sincerely,
The Hobo Pancakes Team
PS: Did you really find Nessie? If so, send us her address. That bitch owes us money!
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Hello,
I am interested in the writing position I saw advertised on craigslist.org.
I have attached my resume to this email, for more information please contact me.
Thank you,
Pendarvis Harshaw
Dear Pendarvis Hershaw:
We were quite excited upon receiving your resume. However, having reviewed it, we are very disappointed to discover that you did not matriculate at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Unfortunately, we are not hiring at this time, and even if we were, we certainly wouldn’t hire your non-magical, if whimsically monikered, ass.
Sincerely,
The Hobo Pancakes Team
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Hi Dear
how are you today i hope all is fine with you, my name is favour i saw your profile today at when i was on google searching for a good and honest man that will be my life partner my spirit told me that you are the one i am looking for and became interested on you, i will also like to know more about you, and be your friend, and i want you to send an email to my email address below so that i will tell you more about myself and send my picture for you to know whom i am,
I believe we can move from here! I am waiting for your mail to my email address above.(Remember that distance or color does not matter but love matters a lot in life) i hope to hear from you soon thanks
yours faithfully
Miss favour
Dear Miss Favour,
All is fine with us today, but we think you may have the wrong email address. We’re not good, we’re not honest, and we’re none of us a man. Although we’re pretty sure editor-at-large Isa Hopkins has been taking testosterone so she can grow a boss goatee.
Miss Favour, there are a number of online dating sites where you can upload your photo, list your likes and dislikes and write rambling, improperly capitalized sentences about what you’re looking for. We heartily recommend you try one of those.
Unless you’re actually Miss Lady in disguise. In that case, bring on the polyamourous triad!
Sincerely,
The Hobo Pancakes Team
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Dear Hobo Pancakes,
Do you know the way to Santa Fe?
Your friend,
Yours Truly
Dear Yours Truly,
We sure do! Turn left and go fuck yourself.
Sincerely,
The Hobo Pancakes Team
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