Ask Papa Ratzi

What is the best way to propose to my girlfriend?  Now that Prop 8 is overturned, I want it to be really special!

Thanks,
Jenny in San Francisco

Dear Jenny,

Please remember that the purpose of marriage is procreation, and two people of the same gender can never procreate — at least not without divine intervention (har-har!).  (And not the kind of divine intervention that got Mary knocked up.  Virgin births were only special before test-tube babies and lesbians got invented, okay?)

I must, therefore, discourage you from “marrying” your “girlfriend” and encourage you to save your purity for marriage to a suitable Catholic man.  This shouldn’t be too difficult, as men are really into the girl-on-girl stuff.  Alternately, you can always become a nun.  They’re also pretty into the girl-on-girl stuff.

Regardless, just remember that while you are a lesbian, you are in a state of mortal sin.  I know the Bible only talks about how two dudes doing it is wrong, but we’ve extrapolated.

Yours in the Eucharist,
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Defender of the Roman Faith